


The way I do

by Stefway



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:20:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29047536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stefway/pseuds/Stefway
Summary: It is the night before Seven of NIne's and Chakotay's wedding, but Kathryn needs to tell Chakotay what she feels before the wedding.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 45
Kudos: 38





	1. Like the way she does

Like the Way She Does

It was almost midnight. But sleep would not come easily to Kathryn Janeway tonight.  
For what felt like the hundredth time, she was going through her notes for the next day. She felt nauseous just thinking about the task that lay before her. It was Chakotay's and Seven's wedding day, and she had to perform the ceremony. What a cruel trick fate had played on her.  
She wasn't sure she would be able to do it, to marry him off to another woman. Why had she to be the Captain, and he her first officer? Why was she stuck out here in the Delta Quadrant with no way to escape the heartbreak?  
If they were in the Alpha-Quadrant, maybe there would have been a chance for them. Not working so closely together would have left them the way open to persue whatever feelings there were, or used to be, between them. But out here, she would always be the Captain and he her first officer. Letting this feeling evolve would undermine her command, and she could not let that happen, even if that meant being alone.  
Alone. The word made her sigh. She didn't want to be alone.

It was almost midnight, but sleep wouldn't come easily to Chakotay tonight.  
He was standing by the window, watching the stars passing by, thinking about the day ahead of him. His wedding day. He was excited to get married to Seven, the woman he loved. But she was just that: the woman he loved, not the love of his life. And maybe she never would be, but she made him happy, loved him and gave him hope for a future.  
She would keep him from being alone. She was a friend, but not his best friend. There were to many buts.  
He sighed. There was just one woman who was everything Seven was not, and she was also the only woman he could not have. He had accepted that some time ago and tried to move on, but never really did. He just couldn't get her out of his mind and heart.  
Tomorrow she would be the one who would marry him off to Seven. He didn't know if he would even be able to look at her. But there was no way out. He wanted a future she was not willing to give to him.  
He shook his head. It was time to go to sleep when he heard the door chime.  
"Enter!"  
The door opened. Kathryn was standing in the doorway, still in her uniform. She just had taken off her jacket and was standing there, looking at him like she was not sure if she should enter or not.  
"May I?", she asked, her voice not as steady as it used to be.   
"Please come in!", Chakotay said, inviting her with his hand to step forward.  
She entered his quarters and looked concerned. When the door closed behind her, she glanced over her shoulder like she was not sure if she really wanted to be there.  
She wasn't even sure what she wanted from him, she was not sure what to say or why she came here.  
He hadn't moved, watching her. Immediately had he noticed that something was afoot.  
"Kathryn?"   
She lifted her hand."I don't know if I can do this. But, I can't stand by not saying anything."   
He kept looking at her, not moving nor saying anything. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, but she lost control and her heart flooded with emotion and took charge of her.  
"Does she...does she....Does she?" She looked him straight into his eyes and couldn't hold back anymore.  
"You fell in love with me, and it is not an easy situation being your Captain. Now you found someone to hold and love you but tell me, does she love you like I do? Tell me, does she love you the way I love you? Does she stimulate you, attract and captivate you? Tell me, does she miss you, existing just to kiss you? Like the way I do?"  
She took a step towards him, holding herself back from touching him, looking at him, pleading for an answer, for a way out of her misery. But he just looked at her in shock.  
What was she saying? What was she asking for? What should he say?  
"Tell me does she want you, infatuate and haunt you? Does she know just how to shock and electrify and rock you? Does she inject you, seduce you and affect you? Like the way I do?" She carried on.  
She took another step closer and reached out with her hand to touch him, but something held her back. Looking him in the eyes, hers filling slowly with tears she no longer could hold back.  
"Don't you think I know? She would beg, steal and lie, fight, kill and die to hold you, but not the way I do!" Finally she took the last step and put her hand on his heart. Her eyes lowered to her hand, so she didn't have to look at him, his eyes, his lips. So she didn't have to show him her tears.  
Her other hand came to rest on his chest, and she put her forehead under his chin. Tears flooding her face.  
"Nobody needs you the way I do. Nobody aches just to hold you, no nobody aches for you the way I do!" she sobbed.  
He had raised his arms but couldn't bring himself to wrap them around her. Just looking down at her head, he didn't know what to say or do. How could he tell her that she was his everything, but he needed more than glances and friendship? That he needed her in his life for good and worse. Not just as a friend but as his partner, the love of his life.  
He took an unsteady breath. "Kathryn, I..."  
She took a step back from him, shaking her head, trying to compose herself.  
"Nobody does the way I do, Chakotay!"  
She turned around and left his quarters. Left him standing, watching the door close behind her, shaken by her. Her feelings, her intensity, her confession.  
And he knew that there was no one who felt like the way she did for him, or he for her.


	2. Like The Way He Does

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could she leave him this way! Chakotay confronts Kathryn after her confession.

Like The Way He Does

He stared at the closed door in utter disbelief. What had just happened?  
Did Kathryn really just come here into his quarters, saying all the things he wanted to hear for such a long time, before running off?  
And now? What did she want from him? What did he want to do? Could he still call off the wedding? For her? Was that what she wanted?  
Chakotay was frustrated and angry with her. How could she leave him this way?

Kathryn entered her quarters and leaned against the closed door. Eyes shut, she tried to breathe, to find her posture, to calm herself. What had she just done? Was she out of her mind? What was she hoping to achieve by going to his quarters the night before his wedding?  
Yes, she loved him, and she was sure that no one would ever feel this way about him, not the way she did. But he was about to get married, and she had no right to get in between him and Seven after all those years.  
But she couldn't stand back like this.  
The door chimed behind her, and she took some hasty steps into the room turning to face the door.  
The door chimed again, and her heart was pounding in her ears. She couldn't face him after what she just had done.  
"Kathryn, open the door!", he called from the other side. "If you don't open it I will use my security override and come in anyway! Open the door!"  
She took a step forward, opened the door and stepped further into the room without taking her eyes off the door.  
The door opened and their eyes met immediately.  
Kathryn took a deep breath when he stepped into her quarters and the door closed behind him.  
"Yes Commander?" She tried to sound as composed as possible, but it sounded hollow even in her ears.  
"Oh damn it Kathryn, stop it right now!", he demanded. "Don't call me Commander and look at me like that! How dare you come to me and say what you did, and then leave me like this?"  
"Commander, this is not the place or the time to discuss..."  
"Stop it Kathryn!", he cut her off. "What do you want from me?" He put his hands on the hips glaring at her, waiting for a reaction, waiting for her to say something.  
But she just looked back at him, holding her head high.  
"Kathryn, say something because...", he was lost for words. He let his hands sink and sighed.  
"Say something because I'm giving up on you." He searched her face, her eyes for a reaction, any reaction. Looking back at him, she took a deep breath, turning away from him and crossing her arms, looking out the window. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to say something.  
"I'm in over my head here. Just when I think I know where I’m going in my life, you come to me with how you really feel, and I stumble and fall. Just say something Kathryn." Silence.  
He stepped closer to her, looking down on her from behind.  
She could feel the heat of his body at her back. He was so close. She closed her eyes when she felt him putting his hands on her shoulders.  
"Say something Kathryn, because I'm giving up on you!"  
He lowered his head. She felt his breath caressing her ear. A shiver she could not suppress ran through her.  
"I'll be the one if you want me to!", he whispered in her ear listening to her unsteady breathing.  
He lowered one hand to her waist, pulling her slowly back against him. She tilted her head just slightly to the side, so he could press an open-mouthed kiss right under her ear.  
She couldn't hold back a muffled moan when his lips touched her skin. Knowing it was not right, but he was everything she ever hoped for. One hand still on her waist holding her against him, he raised his other hand to her chin to turn her head to face him over her shoulder.  
She looked him straight in the eyes. Her eyes looking even darker with him so close to her.  
"Say something Kathryn because I'm giving up on you.", he said again. "I will swallow my pride", he carried on and let his eyes drop for a moment to her lips before looking into her eyes again.  
"You are the one that I love, and I will follow you anywhere, but say something because I'm giving up on you!"  
Her eyes had widened slightly when he confessed his love, and her heart had stopped beating for what felt like an eternity.  
She let her eyes wander over his face. Seeing everything she was hoping for in her life. His eyes, warm, passionate and always a little teasing; his smile, with those dimples that made her knees weak. And his lips.  
Her cheeks felt hot. She took a hasty breath and returned her gaze to his eyes.  
But he had seen enough. He had seen her desire, her passion and her love for him while she had searched his face. He had studied her face, her eyes, herself for so many years, he could read her like an open book. Every small gesture of her, he knew intimately.  
"Chakotay, I..."  
"Shhhh."  
He lowered his head slowly, looking at her lips, then lifted his eyes back to her smoldering gaze for a moment before closing them and lowering his lips to hers.


	3. Like The Way They Want It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay doesn't want to leave Kathryn ever again, but before he does anything, he needs to know if she feels the same.

Like The Way They Want It

The feeling of his lips on hers was so intense that Kathryn forgot to breathe for a moment. She had thought about this so often over the years, had imagined what it would feel like to be finally in his arms, to kiss his luscious lips, to feel the touch of his hands on her, to be so close to him. But all those sleepless nights had not prepared her for reality.

As he broke from the kiss, her eyes were heavy and it was almost impossible for her to open them again. When she managed to look at him, his eyes were dark, almost black, under his half closed lids. She couldn't breathe, and seeing him so close, feeling his heart beat against her back, feeling his strong hands holding her so tigthtly against him, made her knees weak.

Slowly, he let go of her chin and his fingers wandered lightly down her throat. A moan escaped Kathryn and she turned into his arms, closing her eyes again. He closed his arms around her while she closed hers around his neck and pulled him closer to her.

Closing his eyes, he let her take the lead, let her kiss him, let her lips caress his and gave her everything she asked for, not asking anything from her in return. He gave her a moment of control, before he couldn't hold back anymore.

He crushed her against his chest and tilted his head to deepen the kiss. His tongue caressed her lips, asking her to open her mouth for him, to let him in. With a sigh she parted her lips, and their tongues met.

Lightning struck them at this intimate touch. They savored this first moment of intimacy that, as they both knew, would never feel the same again; these first strokes of their tongues, guardedly in the beginning, each trying to read the other and becoming bolder with every move.

Enjoying her flavor, he was on the verge of losing control, at the point of devouring her right there on the floor. He thought about it for a split second, of ripping off her clothes and burying himself deep inside her, losing all control and losing himself in her, in this moment, in all he had ever dreamed of. 

But he remembered that this was not how this was supposed to happen. Not this time, not their first time being just Kathryn and Chakotay, not being anything other than two people who were denied their love for far too long. Trying to hold himself back, he concentrated fully on her. She smelled like coffee and tasted like strawberries.

His mind wandered to another night in her quarters. They had thought they would be home the next day. They had looked at each other, both thinking about being more than just friends, colleagues, confidantes. They’d had strawberries together for dessert. It felt like it was ages ago. That night, leaving her quarters had cost him great effort. He had already known then that she was the only one for him.

Bringing his mind back to the present, he felt how her body pressed against him, became more and more weak and soft, as if she wanted to mold herself to him. Without releasing his lips from hers, he bent his knees slightly to slide an arm under her legs and lift her into his arms.

She wrapped her arms tighter around his shoulders and kissed him intensely, like she was afraid he would let go of her, and all she wanted was to lose herself in him. Kathryn heard the blood rushing in her ears, her heart racing in her chest, and didn't know where she was anymore. She had felt how Chakotay had lifted her in his arms, but the only things she could still feel were his lips and his muscular chest, which she snuggled closer to.

Chakotay stood still for a moment, with Kathryn in his arms in the middle of the room, and couldn't remember what he wanted to do. Her deepening their kiss had caught him off guard and he had to find his footing again. He always knew that she was the only woman that could throw him off track that easily.

He carefully pulled away from their kiss. He had to know if she really wanted him, wanted all of him, before he could go any further, or he wouldn't be able to stop at all. He looked at her face for what seemed like forever. It was slightly reddened from her passion and he felt how shallow her breathing was.

He breathed a feathery kiss on her lips.

She opened her eyes lazily and looked at him under heavy lids.

"Kathryn, are you sure you want this? If I go even one step further, I'll never be able to leave your side again. I need to know if you're sure!"

She just looked at him. Her lips slightly opened and she tried to breathe, tried to calm her agitated mind and hear her own thoughts over the pounding of her heart.

"Chakotay," she said, shocked at how deep her voice was, tinged with passion. Her tongue slipped over her lips as she tried to carry on. She put a hand on his cheek and smiled at him, a smile that would burn itself into his memory forever. So seductive, so achingly familiar, so full of passion and love. "I don't want to spend another moment of my life without you!"

Feeling a wave of powerful emotions rising in his chest, Chakotay closed his eyes and nestled his cheek in her hand. That was all he'd ever hoped to hear from her. He lifted his head and unceremoniously looked around her quarters.

Amazed, Kathryn turned her head as well and asked: "What are you looking for?"

He grinned mischievously at her and started moving in the direction of her bedroom while he answered: "Old school!"


	4. Like The Way They Do It

Like The Way They Do It

Within a few steps he had reached the foot of her bed. Ceremoniously, he put her on her feet in front of him and held her tightly to keep her upright. He kissed her again, this time not holding back, this time without even giving her time to react. He kissed her deeply, impetuous and demanding.  
She clasped his neck tighter, never wanting to let go of him. She also doubted that her legs could carry her. Her knees were unable to hold her upright, only Chakotay could.  
Chakotay couldn't hold back any longer. He wanted more from her. He wanted to feel her, explore her body, get to know everything about her that was withheld from him for all those years. His hands clasped her waist and moved restlessly up her back. With one hand he gripped her head to keep her still, while the other hand continued to stroke her back.  
He kissed her with all his passion, exploring her mouth with his tongue. Dueling her for the upper hand. He was sure he wasn't going to let her win. She might be the Captain of the ship, but here and now, in his arms, she was at his mercy.  
His hand was on her lower back in the meantime, and now slid slowly up to her side. She stopped breathing as his hand gently stroked her breast and then moved more slowly downward again.  
Chakotay continued to kiss Kathryn. He didn't let it be seen how her reaction to his touch aroused him. He continued to tease her by running his hand slowly up her back, then down again. His hand wandered down her lower back and barely brushed her bottom. A moan escaped her mouth under his lips, and she moved her hip towards his hand. He smiled under their kiss and slowly moved his hand up and down her back again. He let his hand run up to her side again, but stopped inches from her seductive curves. She moved closer to him, hoping for the touch of his hand. He let his hands drop slowly and around her waist to be able to press her even closer. Her body was compliant and soft and clung to him perfectly. While he held her close with one hand, the other wandered back to her head, reached into her hair and pulled her head back, breaking the kiss. He bent her over his arm and looked at her face before he passionately took her mouth again.  
Kathryn had already lost all connection with reality. Her head spun, she could barely breathe and with every new touch she felt struck by lightning.  
When Chakotay interrupted the kiss, she searched for a little control over herself, to take a breath, but before she could really breathe in, his lips were there again, sealing hers and robbing her of the last bit of will that she thought she had until then. She was about to break away from his kiss to take a breath when his lips left hers again and wandered along her chin to her ear.  
A shiver ran through her whole body and a pleasant moan slipped from her. She didn't try to suppress one or the other. Chakotay's lips traveled lower and as they slowly worked their way down to her throat, she heard a curse, murmured softly against her body.  
She couldn't make out his words from the rustling in her ears. He loosened his hands from her head and waist and gently pushed her away from him, but did not let go of her without making sure that her legs would hold her upright.  
Amazed, Kathryn opened her eyes and lowered her arms. "What ..." she began. "You're wearing too much!", Chakotay said to her, his voice a low growl, deep and passionate. Kathryn's eyes widened and a surprised "Oh" escaped her when Chakotay grabbed her gray undershirt, pulled it over her head and threw it aside.  
Kathryn took a deep breath and Chakotay was caught up in the sight of her perfect breasts rising and falling. Without taking his eyes off her cleavage, he moistened his lips and pulled her back into his arms.  
Completely captivated by the way he looked at her, almost as if undressing the rest of her with his eyes, Kathryn did not hold back when she quickly found herself again in his arms, caught up in his passionate kisses.  
Her head swirled within a few seconds, and she moved against his body with relish. While Chakotay let go of her lips and slowly covered her neck with hot kisses, he opened her bra, pushed the straps off her shoulder with the help of his teeth and pulled it down between her breasts with his index finger. Kathryn was just present enough to pull her arms out of the straps and drop the bra on the floor before she wrapped her arms around Chakotay's shoulders again and kissed him. She nestled up against him and moaned against his lips as her nipples hardened as they rubbed against the rough fabric of his uniform.   
He did not let go of her lips and began to open her pants, pushed them over her bottom and cupped her with both hands. Kathryn caught her breath as he drew her closer and she felt his hard passion against her stomach. She thought she was going to faint when Chakotay’s lips began to work their way down her neck, towards her perfect mounds, covering her in hot open mouth kisses. He pushed her pants lower and lower until they finally slipped to the floor. Just as she was about to step out of them, Chakotay reached her breasts and wrapped his mouth around one of her hard nipples. She arched her back and moaned with pleasure. She had waited for him far too long. He turned his attention to her other breast and stars exploded behind Kathryn's closed eyes. She had given up trying to keep up with him some time ago and let him have his way with her. She held on to the back of his head and enjoyed every new sensation that Chakotay gave her. Without interrupting his admiration, he lifted her up and took a step until they bumped their legs against her bed and fell onto the sheets.


	5. Like The Way She Comes

Like The Way She Comes

Tumbling together onto her bed, Chakotay rolled over and pinned her down with his body. In pure delight of his mouth still sucking hard on her nipple, she stretched her arms above her head and arched her body to be even closer to him. His hand found its way to her other breast and gave it a gentle squeeze.  
Kathryn took a hasty breath and opened her eyes in shock of the sensations Chakotay sent through her body, from her sensitive nipples directly to her very core.  
Chakotay let go of her breast and pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses on her heated flesh, slowly working his way from her bosom down to her belly. Kathryn, amazed, looked down to marvel at the sight of his salt and pepper head moving down her body.  
When his hands left her heavy and swollen mounds, she let her head fall back on the pillows and tried to take a deep breath and stop her mind from spinning, as Chakotay closed his hands around her waist and lapped at her belly button with his tongue.  
She moaned in delight when he kept kissing her belly, letting his tongue run around her belly button, just to let it slide back in and out again. He kept torturing her with his lips and tongue until her breath became more and more unsteady.  
When he reached the top of her panties with his mouth, Kathryn thought she would die at the pure imagination of what he might do next with her, and she let her breath out with a delightful moan, which took Chakotay to the edge of self-control.  
He didn't know if he could carry on much longer like this. Her body moving so sensually under his, her moans, her sighs, her heavy breathing and her unintentional moves against his almost painful erection, all of it was making him lose what little sense that was left in his head, bit by bit. He had to hold on to his control because he didn't want to miss even one moment of this very special night. He wanted to make her moan and scream his name, but he was not sure if he might lose his sanity on the way.  
While he worked his way up her body again, kissing every inch of it, he slid his body half over hers and nudged her legs apart with his knee. Taking his time, he flicked his tongue over one of her hardened nipples on the way up and heard her gasp. Smiling to himself, he let his tongue run around her nipple again, this time slowly, looking up at her, wanting to see the astonishment on her face as he closed his mouth over her breast and sucked hard.  
The sound coming out of Kathryn's mouth was such a deep groan that Chakotay released a delighted moan, as he was battling to keep pushing her to the edge without losing control himself. He moved on to the other breast. She moved restlessly under his ministrations, and all he could hear was her panting breath. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he moved further up, capturing her hands in his and pulling them above her head. He reached her lips and kissed her so passionately, so deeply, that breathing became impossible for Kathryn.  
Their tongues were dueling, tasting each other, savoring the passion of the other, trying to keep breathing through the other. They were drowning in their arousal and held on to each other with all the will they had left.  
Chakotay held on to both of her hands with one of his, and let the other move downwards, along her slender arms, moving along her side, brushing her nipple with his thumb on the way, which made her arch her back and pant into Chakotay's mouth. He kept on moving, touching her stomach, squeezing her waist, moving on to her hips, digging his fingers in her flesh. Instinctively she moved her hips towards him, asking for more. She was breathless and becoming more and more restless under his hands.  
He slid his hand to her stomach and under the edge of her panties. Slowly he led his hand wander sideways to her bottom and squeezed it so hard, that Kathryn broke from the kiss, throwing her head back, panting with lust. She moaned as he started kissing her neck, moving his hand back to her front. Closing her eyes, she was close to tears, as he awoke her body, making her feel alive again, after so long. She had been alone too long, waited for him too long and was overwhelmed by him and her own reaction to him.  
He moved his hand further to her slip between her legs. He felt the hair covering her center, his hand moving on as she opened her legs a little further for him.  
Chakotay's hand reached lower, cupping her and feeling her body tighten under his touch. She was so surprised by the sensation of his hand between her legs that she was holding her breath, her entire body tensed and waiting. He moved his hand back and forth, nibbling her ear, waiting for her to relax again, to stop thinking and just feel again. When he moved his lips along her chin, she moved her head towards him, searching for his lips.  
At the moment their lips met, he opened her folds, searching with his finger for her entrance. She panted against his lips, her velvet flesh tightening around him. He stopped moving his hand, concentrating on her mouth, letting his tongue slide into her mouth, taking her focus off his hand. She kissed him back. Kathryn was desperate for more, for him touching her, giving her release.  
Slowly he started moving again his hand, his finger sliding in and out, touching her in the most intimate way. Kathryn started moving her hips against his hand, wanting more, wanting him further inside her.  
Chakotay let a second finger slide into her and she moaned her delight. His lips left hers again, moving along her chin, down her neck, towards her breasts. Kathryn was breathing more rapidly with every stroke of his fingers, thinking that she would not survive this; would not survive him. His sweet torture made her restless and she arched her back, wanting him to touch her breasts, moving on and giving her release.  
He did not let her wait long. While his hand was moving inside her, he closed his lips over one of her nipples and sucked fiercely. Kathryn closed her eyes when the first lightning sensation struck her. Her moans and panting became more intense and Chakotay had to concentrate to not lose his so carefully guarded control. She was challenging him more than any other woman ever had.  
When he let go of her breast to carry on lavishing the other one, he noticed her body tighten around his hand again. This time he knew it was not because she was surprised or overwhelmed by his touch. She was searching for release, and he was more than willing to give it to her.  
When he flicked his tongue over her other nipple she moaned, and he knew she would not hold on any longer. The moment he took her hard nipple into his mouth, he let his thumb move up to the hard and throbbing knot of lust, hidden in the folds of her body.  
Kathryn screamed, her climax sudden and intense. Lightning was striking through her body, flames wandering from her stomach to her legs, arching her whole body towards Chakotay's. He sucked hard on her breast, kept moving his fingers between her legs, and before she had a moment to relax her body tightened again. Her flesh captured his fingers, contracting around him and making her scream again, before her muscles relaxed, and she fell in glorious oblivion.  
Chakotay felt the last waves of her climax run through her before her body relaxed around him.  
He looked up to her face and saw the most breathtaking sight. He never wanted to forget this picture of her lying underneath him, relaxed and exhausted, and all his. A smile curved his lips and he breathed a kiss on her perfect breast before letting go of her.


	6. Like The Way Life Changes

Like The Way Life Changes

Kathryn was awakening slowly from the most restful sleep she had had in many years. She still felt like she was floating on a cloud of golden sunshine, so warm on the inside, so deeply satisfied.  
She could still feel him touching her body, caressing her with his hands, lips and tongue. With her eyes closed, she was seeing him , the way he stood at the foot of the bed, undressing slowly. Unveiling just for her his broad shoulders and strong arms, his flat abdomen and round butt. He made her speechles, looking devilishly handsome as he looked her dead in the eyes while he took off his shorts.  
She could still feel his weight moving the mattress when he crawled back into the bed. The way he had worshiped her body, touching her breasts, kissing her skin. He was molding her to his body, making her smooth and longing for more. He was holding onto her hip while he filled her, complementing her so perfectly. The way he was drinking her moans from her lips, the way he made her pant, gasping, begging for more, screaming his name. She felt his strength, his self control, holding back his own release so he could take her again and again.  
It was a night she would never forget, he had made sure of that. A night she never wanted to forget. The look in his eyes when she touched him, when she kissed him, caressed him with her body. His tantalizing smile, him looking at her with half closed eyes, while she was on top of him. She was tempting him, playing with him, daring him to follow her, to tilt his hips and make her gasp when lightning struck through her body. When she clung to him before he sent her into ecstasy. His deep growl of satisfaction when he followed her over the edge and he finally found relief in her. The memory of him loving her was still vivid.  
It was the most satisfying sensation, the way they made each other whole. She wished she could fall asleep in his arms for the rest of her life, and wake up by his side every morning, feeling his touch and eyes on her every waking moment.  
She could feel him behind her, his arm laying across her, cuddling against her back and holding her close to him, as if he was afraid to let go.  
In that very moment she was the happiest woman in the whole universe, until she remembered that today he was supposed to marry another woman. Seven.  
What was she doing? How could she do that? What had she done? Oh my god, she thought, what am I going to do now. In that moment she was wide awake and reality sunk in. She had to get away from him, from this.  
She tried to slip out of the bed, but when she started to move, Chakotay's grip around her waist tightened, and he drew her closer to him, kissing her neck softly.  
"Good morning!", he said to her and carried on kissing his way along her neck.  
Kathryn's body stiffened when she felt his skin touching hers, his lips caressing her so tenderly and her body responding far too easily to him. Memories of last night came back. His body was warming her, the heat that radiated from him burning guilt into her back. Her cheeks went red, and she tried to move away from him, taking the sheets with her to cover her nakedness from his view.  
He held on a little longer to her, but let her go eventually, smirking at her intent to cover herself.  
When he noticed her blushing, a frown crossed his face. "Are you okay Kathryn?" he asked, searching her face.  
"Chakotay, I...", she still tried to cover herself, stepping out of bed, but noticed by doing so she left her first officer naked and uncovered laying in her bed. Oh, what a mess she had made.  
Composing herself, she stood up and turned to face him, trying to focus on his face.  
Chakotay had come up on his elbows, rising an eyebrow, eyeing her warily.   
"Chakotay, I think we should get dressed!", she said, starting to blush even more, when her eyes started to wander and marvel for a moment at this gorgeous man lying in her bed. His muscle bound chest, his stomach, his hips. She made her eyes snap back to his face before they could wander any further.  
"What is happening Kathryn?", Chakotay asked swinging his legs out of the bed. With one hand holding on to her sheets, she turned slightly away from him while he walked around the bed towards her. She covered her mouth, trying to focus on the problem, him naked in her bedroom, and what she had done and what she had to do now.  
He stood right in front of her, hands on his hips, while she was still looking out the window, like she could find the answers to her questions in the stars.  
"Kathryn, what’s wrong?" he asked again, narrowing his eyes at her. He was having a feeling that he knew the answer and that he wouldn't like it. But that couldn't be true. He had asked her. She had said she was sure, she had said she wanted to be with him. Yet he could feel the knot deep inside his stomach. Chakotay could see in her face that reality just had sunk in, and that she was about to destroy everything.  
"Chakotay, I... I really think we should get dressed now!", she said as calmly as she could, facing him again, her face as emotionless as she could possibly look at this moment  
"No, Kathryn, I don't think so! I want to know what is going on!" Crossing his arms before his chest he looked her directly, searching the deep blue of her eyes for some answers. These beautiful eyes, which would turn almost black when passion takes her, when she was with him. In those precious moments, when she was all his. When she would let go and leave reality behind for him, just for some time.  
"Oh Chakotay, what do you want me to say!", she answered, throwing her hands in the air while twirling away from him. She started to walk towards her living room, not noticing that she had dropped the sheets. After a few steps, she turned again facing him, still unaware of her being naked. "I really think you should get dressed and leave right now! Because this", she included him and her and their messy clothes on the floor with her hand, "this is just not right! I'm so very sorry for what happened here but I think we should, we should just not talk about it and ...!"  
She kept talking, started even walking up and down the room while explaining at length what a big mistake they had done, and how she wished not to think or talk about it anymore. She kept talking and walking, repeating the same empty argument over and over until Chakotay couldn't stand it any longer. He was sick to his stomach; he was angry and frustrated and didn't want to hear another word.  
He turned away from her and started picking up his clothes, which were scattered all over the bedroom floor. After putting on his trousers, he sat down on the foot of her bed, shoving his feet into his boots and not listening to Kathryn, who still was explaining to him why he should leave and why he shouldn't be here in her room in the first place and why all this was not right.  
Pulling his gray undershirt over his head, he grasped his jacket from the floor. With two strides he crossed the room to stand right in front of her. When she turned to face him, she went silent. Never had she seen so much anger in his face. Staring her down and pointing his finger at her, he said: "If you say just one more word Kathryn, I promise you, you will not be able to sit for the next week on your nice little butt!"  
She opened her mouth to answer his threat, but he cut her off again.  
"I asked you if you were sure! I asked you what you wanted! You knew I was going to marry Seven today! You knew what you were doing when you came to my quarters last night!" He shouted, emotion coloring his voice as he started to breathe heavier with every word. Oh, she made him angry, she had hurt him deeply and he was not about to let her off the hook easily. "And stop calling this a mistake! Stop insulting me like this! You knew what you were doing!"  
"Don't you dare threaten me like this, Chakotay!" she finally said, when he took a deep breath to carry on shouting at her. "You know as well as I that this is a mess and that we need to fix it! You are getting married today for god’s sake, and I don't think that this is helping!"  
"Kathryn Janeway, you are the most stubborn woman in the whole quadrant!" he shouted at her, angry and hurt she pushed past him to her room. She couldn't stand this. They had had their fair share of arguments before, but never about them. It was never just them. She knew that she had told him that she was sure, of course she knew. She also knew that it was the truth, but guilt had taken over. And she knew that it was her fault. If only she would have made this step towards him earlier, not in the last moment.  
She felt her eyes well up and she choked on the tears she seemed unable to hold back. Hurting him, hurting herself, she had to hold it together, just a little longer.  
"Don't you dare leave me standing here like this, Kathryn! I'm not finished with you!" he shouted after her.  
In her bedroom Kathryn took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second to compose herself. She went for her drawer, took a robe and shrugged into it. Just a little longer, she told herself.  
Putting on her most stoic and serious face she turned back to the living room and looked Chakotay straight in the face.  
"I think we are finished here, Commander!"  
Seeing her, hearing the distance in her voice, sent a dagger right through his heart.  
Lowering his head, he nodded before turning around and leaving her quarters without another word, not looking back.  
Grateful that he left, Kathryn could finally breathe and let her tears flow.


	7. Like The Way She Steps Back

Like The Way She Steps Back

Chakotay was sitting on the couch under the window while the stars were passing by. He was in Seven's quarters, ellbows on his knees, clasping his hands and staring at the floor. He couldn't even look at her. What he just did was tearing him apart. But it had to be done, it had to be said. He wished he could look up and say something or do something to make this easier.  
Seven was standing in front of him, looking at him, waiting for something to happen. She was waiting for a feeling to kick in: anger, sadness, anything. She took her eyes off him to look at the stars for a moment, but still, there was nothing.  
Turning away from him, she left her quarters without another word, taking her wedding bouquet with her on her way out.

“What a morning!” Kathryn thought. She had showered, but felt still numb. She didn't want to get dressed; she didn't want to leave her quarters and face anyone. But what was she to do? She was the captain and she was supposed to officiate the wedding.  
She was wearing her black trousers, her boots and her grey tank top. Her dress uniform was laying on the bed, waiting for her to put it on. She had already fixed her hair and tried to put some make up on, but every time she looked in the mirror, the tears were back.  
She had a knot in her stomach and her body was aching. When she looked around her room, she choked on the tears that the memory of him being here with her brought. It was too painful to move, so Kathryn just sat on the sofa, looking at her hands. Not even looking at the stars was calming her. She was searching for some strength to get up and carry on, not just today but for the rest of her life. A life without him.  
At the thought of not having him in her life anymore the tears came back, just as her door chimed.  
For a second she was thinking about not opening the door, but she knew that was not a possibility. She lifted her head and took a deep breath. "Come in!", she called, not standing up.  
The moment the door opened, she rose, staring at Seven entering her quarters.  
Seven's face was blank when she came closer, and the door slid closed behind her. On her way, she put the flowers on Kathryn's desk without taking her eyes from the captain.  
"Seven, I...", Kathryn said, before Seven came any further.  
Kathryn felt like she would fall apart any moment. Seven's expressionless face, her own guilt, the tears behind her eyes, all of it made her feel helpless and lost for words. Overwhelmed by her feelings she just stood, looking at Seven, holding everything back as well as she could.  
"Captain", Seven finally said, stopping right in front of the woman who was her mentor, who she had thought a friend and the woman who had just changed her life again. "Commander Chakotay and I just had a conversation involving the occurences of last night."  
Kathryn felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. She felt sick, she had a hard time standing up, keeping it together and was not sure how she should respond or what she possibly could say to Seven.  
"He informed me that he had spent the night with you and that this is standing in the way of our former agreement."  
Not able to hold her tears back any longer, Kathryn covered her mouth, looking at Seven and hoping that she could forgive her somehow, someday, for betraying her in this way. Seven could see all the emotions in Kathryn's eyes that she thought she should feel, but even right now, in front of the woman who had betrayed her with the man she was supposed to marry this morning, there was just nothing.  
"Captain, I think it would have been less troublesome if you and the Commander would have cleared the status of your relationship before anyone else got involved, as it is known on the ship that there was never an official agreement. I thought the behavior displayed by you could have been described as friendship and a deep confidence, even if it seemed inappropiate at times!"  
Holding back a sob, Kathryn sat back down on the couch, still looking in disbelief about how calm Seven remained.  
"I'm so sorry Seven!" It was not more than a whisper. The guilt over her betrayal and her broken heart were taking all the energy from her. Her voice was cracking, the tears flooding her eyes, her hands shaking. Her body betrayed her just the way she had betrayed Seven. But at the same moment as Kathryn was consumed by all her emotions, Seven was still not feeling anything.  
"Thank you Captain. I will eventually....adapt.", Seven stated calmly. She could not mask all of her discomfort, but Seven knew that her union with Chakotay would have been always overshadowed by his feelings for Kathryn. Even though she was not accustomed to relationships and affections, she was not blind to the deep feelings the captain and commander had for each other.  
Just when she was about to leave Kathryn's quarters, the door chimed again. Eyeing Kathryn, Seven noticed that the captain was not able to respond to the caller.   
Raising an eyebrow, Seven turned away from Kathryn, and answered the door.  
"Lieutenant Torres", she said when she saw B'Elanna standing in the doorway, "the Captain is not able to attend you right now!"  
B'Elanna smiled slighty. "I don't know all of what is going on here, Seven, but I think she is well enough to see me!" The engineer pushed past Seven, carrying a large gift box.  
Seeing B'Elanna enter her quarters, Kathryn took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment, hoping to find her composure. Rising from her couch, she stepped over to her dining table, where B'Elanna had put down the gift box she had brought.  
B'Elanna turned around, facing her with a bright smile. "I was sent here to deliver this and make sure that we are on time."  
Seeing the confusion in Kathryn face, B'Elanna looked at Seven, who was still beside the door, and then back to Kathryn again. "Chakotay wanted to make sure that you get this on time, Captain!"   
Still not understanding what B'Elanna was talking about, Kathryn stepped closer and had a look at the gift box.  
She opened the lid and gasped at what she discovered. Hands clasped over her mouth she sobbed, tears running down her cheeks. What was he doing?  
Looking at B'Elanna and Seven in disbelief, she look at her gift again.  
"I think it is time to get you dressed Captain!"


End file.
